Weekly Shocks' Blog


The Californian Moon. Multiplied by 400.

Have I mentioned I’m a little homesick?

God bless the broke, broken, and bumming state of California.

In other, not-America-or-bum-related news, I’m planning a trip to Germany at the end of this month. Once upon a much more bright, innocent, and schnitzel-filled time, I used to live in Germany and spoke the language pretty fluently. But that was a long-ass time ago (I have bums on the mind, it seems), and I have long since forgotten most of my glorious, crabby Deutsch. Therefore, I expect that my shiny and sparkly return to my erstwhile home should be interesting. I also plan on getting there via train, because every plane that leaves the ground these days seems to end up crashing in a fiery blaze into an ocean or a farmer’s house or a napping cow, and, well, I’m just not up for that. So, my peripatetic journey will be England to Deutschland via train. Hot dog. I am crazy like a fox.

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Ahem. I’ll take credit for this, thank you.

From The Boston Globe, today (July 5th, 2009):

“Six Red Sox made the All-Star team, including 17-year veteran Tim Wakefield for the first time.”

Did I call this? Yer darn tootin’, I did.

Congratulations, Mr Wakefield, sir. Very well deserved, and I hope you have a kick-ass time in Beer Stadium.


Oh, America.

Well, slap me on the bum and call me Fanny. What’s going on, my good people? How’ve you been? Hope you had a boozy and goofy but not too crazy 4th. Though if it was crazy, send me the pictures. After you get released from prison, of course.

Wow, it’s been a while hasn’t it? Yeah, I know, this blog is filled with far too many shameful instances of me disappearing for days, even weeks at a time without so much as a hint of explanation, then returning, all grovelling and stinky,  begging forgiveness, and offering up more pathetic attempts at wittiness. That’s how I roll. But I’m back now, so you may all rejoice, sigh, grimace, sob, vomit, or whatever it is you do in the comforts of your own home when you read my blog. I’m not one to judge.

Speaking of judging, it’s a good thing I’ve finished with my degree (exam went well, thank you) and will be heading back to Yank Land in a couple of months, because based on what I’ve been reading on the glorious intrawebs, the country is all kinds of screwed up. You people obviously need me. Beyond the recent spate of celebrity deaths that have plagued the land of my birth, seriously, folks: what the hell is up with your state governments? Let’s look at a brief rundown of all the absurdity that has occurred in the past few weeks, yes?

The Democrats in New York locked the Republicans out of the State Senate, after the Republicans apparently tried to ‘seize control’ of the place as if it were Alcatraz. Neat-o.

The “State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations” is trying to change its name, and not because it’s stupidly long and no one even knew the ‘Providence Plantations’ bit even existed, but because that bit is apparently too reminiscent of slavery. Exquisite.

We all know about Mark Sanford’s little disappearing act into the arms of a certain Maria in South America and how he put his saucy little jaunt on the tabs of the South Carolina tax payer. I had a fun few days before the news of his rather predictable affair was discovered wondering where exactly he was and what he was up to. Holed up in a mental institution was my first (and way more interesting) guess. Either that or he skipped off to join a circus. Given how things are going for him at the moment, either of those two options seems to be a good next move for the man.

Good old Sarah has dropped the reigns of power up in Alaska, though I can’t quite figure out why (her unscripted remarks have led me to believe that she’s going to try out for the WNBA, though).

California is so broke I suspect Arnold is gonna hafta raise funds by taking that role in Kindergarten Cop II: Slaughter in the First Grade after all.

Minnesota finally settled the months-long legal battle over its Senate seat and gave the thing to a comedian, because, clearly, the whole issue was nothing but a joke anyway.

Really, guys, I know it’s been a while since I’ve been home, but I expect that you can hold the fort down a bit better than this. It’s fun reading about it and all, but it’s getting a little embarrassing, too. Get it together, people. I’ll be back soon, but first I have to take care of that Harry Potter actor who contracted the dreaded swine flu, and then there are those Facebook photos of the new M16 boss in a Speedo that need to be destroyed, so I’ve got my hands full at the moment. Carry on as best you can without me, ok? Be strong. Also, go figure out which team Ms Palin is trying out for. I have a bet with a friend here.