Weekly Shocks' Blog


A Query:

What does it say about a person if her response to a six-foot (quite literally) pile of garbage on the elite Upper West Side of Manhattan is a giggle and a quick blog post? Oh, and a link to an article in The Times about how most other people are pretty effin’ pissed at this bullshit, and Bloomberg better get his ass in gear, that bitch.

Please note in the article that the trash also saved a potential suicide victim. And you think all NYC public works officials are hopeless, heartless incompetents. Hah!

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Well, aren’t I a GRADE A MORON!

See, I should know better by now. I really should. Yet I go ahead and do it anyway. I write stupid blog posts about Viagra and Cialis and other products designed to embarrass me when they are advertised on television during quality time with my eight-year-old niece. And it’s inevitable that Google picks up this post, and now I have all kinds of  sad folks landing here, innocently searching the web for simple, sweet things like “penis performance” hoping that somehow Weekly Shocks can help them please their ladies. To all those who came here for that purpose, I deeply apologize. I got nuthin’. Lots of stuff on puggles, though. May want to check that out. Chicks dig puggles, trust me.

Now, why the hell have I just gone and written another damn post about naughty drugs?! What the hell is wrong with me?! Must seek therapy in the future when I’ve finally made contact with my Level 15 Magic Elf and we find The Charm Bracelet in the Forest Dune. Off to finish my quest, my good people. Wish me luck.


First Puggle, Now Penis? WHAT IS THIS BLOG COMING TO?!?!

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a little on the weird side and I subsequently attract and enjoy all kinds of weird stuff, but, honestly, this is is getting to be a bit much even for me.

Some of you may notice that I moderate comments here on good ole Weekly Shocks. It’s nothing personal, I promise, it’s just that certain family members of mine occasionally read this blog  (hi Mom!) and certain friends of mine (you bastards know who you are) like to take advantage of that fact and write things that I’d rather my pure-as-the-driven-snow loved ones not see. Gotta keep up appearances and all that. Besides that, though, the oodles of junk mail that I seem to collect in my seventeen hundred email accounts have somehow migrated to the comments section of this blog. I am quickly and inexplicably becoming a repository for Viagra, Cialis, VigRX, and other naughty devices designed to improve your happy areas.

In all sincerity and with all due respect, what the hell?! I can deal with the odd and charming puggle-seekers. I can smile wryly over the occasional bizarre and mildly disturbing internet searches that land people here (latest favorites: “waste dump,” “fart protector,” and “why catholics [are] going to hell.”) I can and do adore the witty and charming comments posted here by the bright and engaging masses (keep ’em coming, folks!). But seriously: what about this blog suggests that the author requires manhood treatment?! Am I coming across as that insecure, that needy, that male?! Bugger it all to hell, people! I am very happy with my completely normal-size-for-my-situation penis. In fact, if it were any bigger, I may run into some very real trouble in my personal  life (heh heh…shuffles nervously…coughs…). I’d also have to field many awkward questions from my primary health care provider and would most likely end up being referenced extensively in the New England Journal of Medicine. Then, I’d have to fulfill my inevitable destiny, and join a circus! But I’m not ready for that yet! None of these options really fits into my busy procrastination schedule right now, so, please, move on! Back off, penis people! SO NOT INTERESTED!

OK, deep breaths.

Anyway, let’s keep the weirdness of this blog a bit on the wholesome side, shall we? For example, wanna guess what I’ve been hooked on lately? Old episodes of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego! And how amazing was that theme song?! Now there’s an obsession I think we can all enjoy before getting the song irretrievably stuck in our heads, going mental, and swinging from the rooftops in Scooby-Doo underoos and pickaxes!

If you just can’t get behind the Carmen Sandiego craze (you soulless prole), please remember the following simple guidelines. This is ok:

puggle-4

This, not so much:

viagraswitch

Choose wisely.


“Junk” Mail*

* Yes, I know the title of this blog post is a terrible and filthy pun. I apologize, but frankly, I am not perfect and the opportunity to use this bit of naughtiness was too good to pass up.

crazyspamCrazy AND Tasty Spam?! Sign me up!

I have way too many email accounts. I’m not much of a pack rat in my (admittedly fairly obscure and destitute) real life, but I seem to collect email accounts by the barrel-full. At last count, I had at least eight. This is obscene. I’ve been online for almost ten years now, starting with my shameful AOL days (stop laughing at me, jerkface, I bet you wish you had AOL in the 90s!) and instead of abandoning email accounts when I no longer use them, I keep them and treasure them tenderly, even though they are mostly filled with valueless garbage and horrific reminders of all the moronic things I’ve done in my cheesy past. This is going to get me into serious trouble if I ever decide to launch a political career, I know, but let it never be said that Weekly Shocks doesn’t live on the WILD SIDE! OH YEAH!

Anyway, one of the many side effects of numerous email accounts is, of course, a ridiculous amount of junk-mail. This includes the obligatory nonsense everyone gets: Nigerian prince in disrepute, Russian mail-order brides, live celebrity nude webcam 4U sexfests, fun at the barnyard-of-love porn, etc. The usual stuff that seems to be written by patients suffering from nymphomania and are simultaneously recovering from severe head trauma. You know the drill. Beyond this, however, I seem to get a rather alarming amount of email promising me various treatments to elongate the size of my masculinity. Even though I have no masculinity to speak of, I try not to take this personally. It’s nice that they thought of me, regardless. Besides, some of the subject headings for these emails are quite amusing. This bizarre sample is by far my favorite:

DRAG YOUR NEW HUGE C*CK ON THE GROUND! 15042

Beyond the mystery of what, exactly, 15042 refers to (actual size, in feet, of my new “c*ck?” number of satisfied customers? lottery numbers? what?) I wasn’t aware of the fact that the male genitalia could serve as both a reproductive organ and a cleaning device for my carpets and floors. Thanks for the tip, 15042 genitalia-enhancing people! Heck, maybe I have been approaching the male of our species at the completely wrong angle, failing to recognize their hygienic value!

Or maybe I should get rid of a few email accounts. Hmmm.


The Puggle Stalker Returns!

Ahem:

Search Engine Terms

These are terms people used to find your blog.

Today

Search Views
puggle 43 More stats
puggles 2 More stats

Hooray!

(Check out this, this, this, and this if you’re confused. Or just continue in your confusion if you prefer. You’re cute when you don’t know what the hell is going on. Not as cute as puggles, of course, but you gotta make do.)


Cripes, If I’d Known I Was Gonna Have Company…

Bless This Mess

Bless This Mess

…I would have tidied up this dump a bit.

So, my mild case of OCD requires me to repeatedly check my Blog Stats to see how many people I’ve managed to inflict my inane, goofy worldview upon that day. I’m pathetic, I know. Be nice to me: I’m a middle child and am subsequently ignored, isolated, and forgotten even within my own damn family. Blogging is cheaper than my previous attention-seeking behaviors which mostly involved setting things on fire and blaming the destruction on my invisible pet turtle Charley.

I think most personal bloggers are a touch self-absorbed and attention-starved anyway: why else would we vomit up all our private thoughts and observations to anonymous strangers on the intrawebs? It’s probably the closest we’re ever going to come to having our very own Oprah Moments and, gosh darn it, we wanna share it with as many folks as possible, right?! RIGHT?!?! Can I get a HELL YEAH??!

OK, settle down, we’ve got serious business to discuss here.

The question, of course, is how do we lure the readers in? I tried coercing strangers on the street with free beer, but apparently that’s illegal in Oxford, and too many creepy pervs were getting the wrong idea. (Seriously, what makes people think a girl on the corner passing out free beer and standing under a giant blinking neon sign blaring “FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL 1-800-WEEKLYSHOCKS ” is anything but sweet and wholesome? Gutter-minded weirdos!) Luckily, there seems to be a much simpler solution to increasing your blog hits: the strange and wonderful Alpha Inventions. Seriously, this site is jaw-droppingly amazing. If you want to increase traffic, enter your blog into their marvelous little blog randomizer, and start panicking once you realize that traffic on your site has literally increased tenfold and now real, live people are reading and judging and hating your freakishly bizarre, dark and dusty corner of the intrawebs.

So, that gratuitous little plug out of the way, a big hello to all my new readers! Thanks very much for your kind words on my blog, or really for just looking at the damn thing. I hope it hasn’t caused you too much trauma. Most likely, it has passed unnoticed, which is frankly OK by me. As long as those hits keep coming, my deeply-traumatized psyche is soothed and the urge to kill fades just a little bit more. Ahhhhhhh.