Weekly Shocks' Blog



“Junk” Mail*

* Yes, I know the title of this blog post is a terrible and filthy pun. I apologize, but frankly, I am not perfect and the opportunity to use this bit of naughtiness was too good to pass up.

crazyspamCrazy AND Tasty Spam?! Sign me up!

I have way too many email accounts. I’m not much of a pack rat in my (admittedly fairly obscure and destitute) real life, but I seem to collect email accounts by the barrel-full. At last count, I had at least eight. This is obscene. I’ve been online for almost ten years now, starting with my shameful AOL days (stop laughing at me, jerkface, I bet you wish you had AOL in the 90s!) and instead of abandoning email accounts when I no longer use them, I keep them and treasure them tenderly, even though they are mostly filled with valueless garbage and horrific reminders of all the moronic things I’ve done in my cheesy past. This is going to get me into serious trouble if I ever decide to launch a political career, I know, but let it never be said that Weekly Shocks doesn’t live on the WILD SIDE! OH YEAH!

Anyway, one of the many side effects of numerous email accounts is, of course, a ridiculous amount of junk-mail. This includes the obligatory nonsense everyone gets: Nigerian prince in disrepute, Russian mail-order brides, live celebrity nude webcam 4U sexfests, fun at the barnyard-of-love porn, etc. The usual stuff that seems to be written by patients suffering from nymphomania and are simultaneously recovering from severe head trauma. You know the drill. Beyond this, however, I seem to get a rather alarming amount of email promising me various treatments to elongate the size of my masculinity. Even though I have no masculinity to speak of, I try not to take this personally. It’s nice that they thought of me, regardless. Besides, some of the subject headings for these emails are quite amusing. This bizarre sample is by far my favorite:

DRAG YOUR NEW HUGE C*CK ON THE GROUND! 15042

Beyond the mystery of what, exactly, 15042 refers to (actual size, in feet, of my new “c*ck?” number of satisfied customers? lottery numbers? what?) I wasn’t aware of the fact that the male genitalia could serve as both a reproductive organ and a cleaning device for my carpets and floors. Thanks for the tip, 15042 genitalia-enhancing people! Heck, maybe I have been approaching the male of our species at the completely wrong angle, failing to recognize their hygienic value!

Or maybe I should get rid of a few email accounts. Hmmm.

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Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. First Puggle, Now Penis? WHAT IS THIS BLOG COMING TO?!?! « Weekly Shocks’ Blog pingbacked on 8 years, 3 months ago

Comments

  1. How come you get all the good junk mail?

    Posted 8 years, 4 months ago
  2. * Joe Raygor says:

    Speaking of mail, I just got this message from a prominent businessman in Kenya who has promised me a huge share of $50,000,000 if I just give him my bank account and social security numbers. BOOYEAH I’M RICH!!!!

    Think it could be legit?

    Posted 8 years, 4 months ago
  3. * WeeklyShocks says:

    Possibly, but you better give me your bank account and SS number too so I can check on their handiwork.

    Posted 8 years, 4 months ago


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