Weekly Shocks' Blog



An Easy Five-Step Guide To Being a Total Asshat Behind the Wheel

Furry creature with road rage. Weekly Shocks' themes must be preserved.

Furry creature with road rage. Weekly Shocks' themes must be preserved.

I know you folks are busy and times are tough right now. Money’s tight, jobs are scarce, M. Night Shyamalan keeps making bad movies. With all your worries, you probably don’t have time to devote to being more of a jerk in your car than your massive ego and entitlement issues already allow. It’s really hard to cross that threshold from being a run-of-the-mill incompetent shitheel of a driver into the grand, rarefied world of TOTAL ASSHAT BEHIND THE WHEEL. Maybe I can help.

How am I qualified to help you? Well! Frankly, I think there’s no one better to offer bad driving tips than I am, folks! I grew up in Boston, which breeds horrifyingly scary drivers in dark alleys by the boatload. I live in England, where people are so confused by the mechanics of driving that they don’t even know the correct side of the road to have their never-ending series of multi-car pileups on! Furthermore, I don’t have a car. I don’t have a license. Hell, I don’t even know how to drive! I was the kid who got stuck in the corner fifteen seconds after getting on Bumper Car rides and then spent the rest of the time sobbing while inebriated fifteen-year-olds smashed me into a nice case of whiplash!

So follow my easy five-step guide, and you, too, can be a TOTAL ASSHAT BEHIND THE WHEEL!

Step One: Get a giant car. A monster of a car. A car that will scare small children and environmentalists alike! Gas-guzzling SUVs and Hummers are the logical options, but if you want to be a TOTAL ASSHAT BEHIND THE WHEEL you need to stand out in a crowd, and, let’s face it: the Hummer-driving dipshit is SO 2003. I recommend getting a souped-up Army tank. You may run into some trouble procuring one from a legitimate “car dealership,” but hey! You’re an asshat and only the dirty, unwashed masses get their cars from conventional sources, right?! Screw ’em! Fly on over to North Korea and order up your own personalized turbo-powered tank. Make sure it has a designer license plate that reads HOTSH1T or MGHTYD1CK as well.

Step Two: Tailgate with extreme prejudice. If that minimum wage-earning toolbox driving the Kia in front of you can’t take the pressure, give him a bump! Hell, you’ve got your tank-car, so your sweet ride can handle it. Oh, and if that tree-hugging freak happens to have one of those pathetic “Baby On Board” signs, bump him extra hard!! You can’t have these weirdos breeding! Take care of that business now, son, and eliminate the runt!

Step Three: Have at least two cell phones in use at all times. The peons all seem to have one these days, and you need to use special methods of showing how important you are! On one cellphone, you should be texting stock figures and firing your underlings and breaking up with one night stands! On the other, call everyone in your address book! Everyone! And make sure you’re screaming at them, mostly about how important you are! If, for whatever reason, your asshat-ishness has limited the number of people you can scream at on a cell phone, use your free hand to chug an overpriced coffee from Starbucks. Or, better yet, take nips from a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Step Four: Cut people off with impunity. If anyone dares to object, pop him the finger and scream the most horribly filthy profanity you can imagine until veins pop out on your meaty, bloodshot face. Take a break from texting to wave a wooden baseball bat menacingly so people know you’re not one to f*ck with.

Step Five: Never, ever, ever use your turn signal to actually signal turns. It’s a sign of weakness and it gives lesser people information on where you’re going. The only time your turn signal should be on are during sixteen-mile stretches down highways with multiple exit options you have no intention on taking. Having your signal on keeps those proles around you muddle-brained and nervous, and that’s exactly how they should be, damn it!

Adhere to these easy rules and sprinkle them all with just a little extra hatred and unbridled rage each day, folks! In no time, you, too can be A TOTAL ASSHAT BEHIND THE WHEEL!

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Comments

  1. * J.R. Ewing says:

    After a really stressful day, this really cracked me up!

    I would hardly call that “shoddy”!

    Posted 8 years, 7 months ago
  2. Best. Post. Ever.

    Posted 8 years, 7 months ago
  3. * WeeklyShocks says:

    *blushes*

    *curtseys*

    Posted 8 years, 7 months ago
  4. * ZamboniMike says:

    Very Comprehensive! Especially step five. Apparently I was wrong about Boston drivers. They aren’t “completely worthless pieces of human garbage who should all have their licenses taken away for public safety reasons alone not to mention their absolute lack of regard for common courtesy or their inability to display any signs of intelligence or even basic common sense under any road condition” drivers. Almost all Boston drivers are in fact “Asshat” drivers! Its just as descriptive and much easier to say.

    Posted 8 years, 2 months ago


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