Weekly Shocks' Blog



Watching Paint Dry and In The News Today

I know that most visitors of Weekly Shocks come here for one of two reasons: 1) mind-numbing, crushing boredom or 2) hard-hitting news. It is my duty to provide you good people with both of these items, and I take such responsibilities very seriously.

Boredom first: this may be old hat to many of you, but I swear, nothing can make you feel more like a filthy, useless sloth than guiding a cheesily-animated helicopter through leftover Super Mario Brothers animation for hours on end. This damn game is so profoundly dumb and yet so insidiously addictive I’m not altogether convinced it isn’t part of a CIA-developed mind control device.

Hysterical conspiracy theories aside, let’s move on to the news, shall we?

Bristol and Levi are, like, so over. To be honest, I actually feel bad for these poor kids. Teenage pregnancy isn’t exactly a dream-come-true for anyone, I’m sure. Going through it under the microscope of the rabid, scandal-hungry media because your mom is a national laughingstock must be a total bloody nightmare. And all of this pressure obviously caused these poor kids to continue in the fine family tradition of naming their small boy an unbelievably absurd name (Tripp? Seriously?) reminiscent of either excessive drug use or high octane firearms, possibly both.  We all know how I feel about stupid baby names. I wish them all luck, because I’m pretty sure they’re going to need oodles of it.

Moving on. Every couple of years, I toy with the idea of heading off to law school, because, as we all know, law school is the safe haven for lazy, wiseass showoffs with more entitlement issues than talent. Oh, I’d fit in so well. Conveniently, I also happen to have a legitimate interest in the law, especially when I come across cases like this. Clearly, this guy is insane, but I’m just itching to defend drunks against THE MAN, especially if they’re creative enough to claim that the definition of sovereignty  includes “living inside myself, not in Pennsylvania.” Epic.

Finally, where do they find people stupid, drunk, or attention-starved enough to pose for (WARNING, WARNING, WARNING, POTENTIALLY DISTUBRING PHOTOS TO FOLLOW) news stories like this? Poor, dumb moobers.

And that’s that! I trust you are both overwhelmed with tedium and up-to-date on all the current goings-on in the world! Looks like my work here is done. TA DA!

(That oughta hold the little bastards!)

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Comments

  1. * J.R. Ewing says:

    I logged on for the third reason, the promise of free bacon.

    Oh Great, thanks to that BBC Link, I am now scarred for life and won’t be able to sleep. Thanks a lot… 😉

    Posted 8 years, 9 months ago


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