Weekly Shocks' Blog

The Biggest Threat to Boston’s Residents? Wild Turkeys.

I still read The Boston Globe every day, mostly in an attempt to prove that the city ceases to exist when my glorious presence is no longer there. This theory doesn’t seem to hold water yet, but The Globe can be sneaky, so I’ll keep looking for holes in its coverage of a no-longer-existent Boston.

The Globe is slipping, I know that. For example, a couple of days ago, the paper ran a story that I know for a fact is really, really old. Attack of the Killer Turkeys! The turkeys are coming! Lock your doors, hide your children! It’s true. Turkeys, which were once extinct in the state, hunted off for their tastiness, have returned with gusto. They are now invading the city and boldly attacking pedestrians, pets, cars, the Hancock Building (they WILL bring it down!), etc. It sounds funny, but I sure as hell wouldn’t want a giant, stupid bird waddling up to me, shrieking and flailing, and trying to right the wrongs of its Turkey Day-sacrificed brethren.

"Gimme your wallet and shut yer yuppie gob, you bitch. Gobble, gobble!"

"Gimme your wallet and shut yer yuppie gob, you bitch. Gobble, gobble!"

My mom knew of their coming years ago. She even warned me. One day, when I was still in college, I got one of her newsy emails that seemed basic enough, until halfway through there was the following bit:

I was almost late for work today because there were a couple of wild turkeys wandering up our walkway and they wouldn’t leave! Your dad had to go outside and chase them off with a broom.

Now, admittedly my parents had a house in one of the most residential areas of Boston, but they still lived in the actual city. It’s not like we grew up in the boondocks, tipping cows for entertainment. (OK, we did tip cows for entertainment, but that’s another story.) So, when I read this email, I was profoundly disturbed. My mom was either high on crack or losing her mind. I called one of my sisters to ask if our dear mummy had been sampling some of the seedier treats of inner-city living, but sister-dear also insisted that there were turkeys roaming our neighborhood. Apparently, the drug addiction had corrupted my entire family!

A few weeks later, I was home myself, on break from the rigors of sleeping until noon and playing Ceasar 3 when I should have been in class. One morning, at an obscenely early hour, I was grumpily in the car with my mom, on our way to make some money working at a mental institution. (I swear by the sweet Virgin this is true.) As we pulled out of our driveway, there, on my right, were two massive, wobbling turkeys, wandering down the sidewalk, with a gangsta-like insouciance that was both disturbing yet, frankly, kind of attractive. Almost…sexy. Regardless. The effect was utterly unnerving, and I couldn’t help but shriek


My mom looked at me the way you’d expect a woman to look at her offspring who had just shattered her eardrum with unnecessary profanity at 6:30 in the morning. “Yes. I told you there were turkeys here! You don’t have to holler! And stop swearing!”


My mom spent the rest of the car ride seething in silence. She eventually got her hearing back, though, so no permanent damage done.

Anyway, yeah. There are turkeys in Boston, there have been for a while. OLD NEWS, MR BOSTON GLOBE REPORTER! Take a cue from your colleagues and get back to more important issues, like posting shirtless pictures of Tom Brady! Now we’re talking real, solid journalism, man!


Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * Anonymous says:

    Good one, Kizzie. I enjoyed it quite a bit, but you were wrong one one count. Mom’s hearing never did fully return as you well know. And now I know the reason why the woman is partially deaf. In a way, I feel as though the turkeys are to blame…..

    Posted 9 years, 1 month ago
  2. * Fluff says:

    I actually laughed like, ROFL kinda laugh without the rolling on the, uh, floors. And..Such.

    Don’t you guys, I dunno, kill them and cook them when they start waddling up to you?

    Posted 9 years, 1 month ago
  3. * Anonymous says:

    now I know and remember why I can;t hear!

    Posted 9 years, 1 month ago
  4. * bleuetoile says:

    Absolutely adorable and funny 🙂


    Posted 9 years, 1 month ago

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