Weekly Shocks' Blog



Bad Names and Other Hazards of Being Born

OK, folks, by a show of hands: how many of you really dislike your given name?

OK, good. Now put your hands down and quit whining. This is my blog, dammit.

I’m actually rather fond of my name, except for the fact that no one can ever spell or pronounce it properly. It’s not even all that complicated a name, but it is a variation on a variation of something else, so people screw it up all the time, repeatedly, and without even a modicum of shame. This used to irritate me, but having your name messed up constantly has a way of crushing your soul into tiny bits of glass shards that you subsequently feel compelled to eat. Now when I’m asked my name, I offer it apologetically, and with a total sense of unworthiness in even possessing a name in the first place. It’s truly that bad. For the sake of protecting my oh-so-precious anonymity, let’s say my name is Kristin. It’s not, but, hey, half of what I write on this blog is complete crap anyway, so just pretend, OK? At least 80% of the time, the person asking my name will hear me say “Kristin” and respond – literally, less than a microsecond later – with “Kirsten”, “Christine”, “Christina”,”Chrystal”, “Christian” ,”Katherine”, “Christo”, “Bob” or any other tangentially-related set of sounds that is most definitely not my name. I’m pretty socially-awkward to begin with and I hate confrontation and making people feel uncomfortable, so on the rare occasions when I muster up the courage to actually correct these folks, I generally do so in the softest voice imaginable, with a completely inappropriate, fey giggle and a face redder than Communist Russia. No one, of course, can make out a damn thing I say, so they just assume that this new girl Critter has had way too much to drink and then they creep away before I vomit on their shoes. It’s a sad, lonely existence, I must say.

As bad as I have it, though, at least I have a name that isn’t a curse word or a product name or a bizarre set of sounds dreamed up on an acid trip. What the hell is wrong with people lately? Parents have gone completely batshit in the last five or six years or so and the trend of naming children any combination of letters, numbers, alien symbols, or ape-like grunts they come up with has frankly gotten way out of hand. The story about the poor child named Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii still makes me want to hunt down the girl’s parents and slap them sharply and without apology. Then there was the couple in New Zealand who saw their son’s image on an ultrasound and decided that the only name appropriate for their impending bundle of joy was 4Real because it, like, truly made them, like, aware of his existence. I mean, like, 4Real, man! Moronic f*ckwits. I hope your son never has access to sharp objects and/or firearms, because chances are if he does, you’re both going to be in a world of 4Real shit. Then, of course, there are these people, who should be taken out back and summarily shot. I support free speech as much as the next politically-moderate American, but there is no excuse for this other than being a complete and total failure at parenting and life, as well as a racist asshat to boot.

Wow, that’s lots more violence and foul language than I normally throw around these parts. Apologies if I have offended you good people, who, I am sure, are far too intelligent to burden your poor children with stupid, incomprehensible names in an effort to make the seem like special snowflakes in life. Sure, no one wants their child to be the sixth Emily in the class or have four friends named Matthew, but really: there are thousand and thousands of perfectly lovely, often underused names available to bless your wee one with. Save the idiotic monikers for your pets who are less likely to come after you with machetes when they are full-grown and bitter, or your stuffed animals who shouldn’t care anyway. Unless those stuffed animals animate at night and attack you while you sleep. Then all bets are off. But that’s another post.

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Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Watching Paint Dry and In The News Today « Weekly Shocks’ Blog pingbacked on 8 years, 9 months ago
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Comments

  1. “For the sake of protecting my oh-so-precious anonymity, let’s say my name is Kristin. It’s not, but, hey, half of what I write on this blog is complete crap anyway, so just pretend, OK?”

    HMMMMMMMM. (PS, I love you.)

    Posted 8 years, 9 months ago
  2. * Mark says:

    Hi thanks for a great post. I’ll be back 🙂

    Posted 8 years, 9 months ago
  3. * punkymama says:

    Amen

    My kids have strong, classic,short names without being trendy. Easy to say and know and hard to make fun of. Now that is good criteria for kid name giving.

    Posted 8 years, 9 months ago


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