Weekly Shocks' Blog



A Collection of Some Highly Upsetting Products

It’s somehow extremely comforting to know that even in our tanking economy, there still seems to be a pretty solid market for stupid, disgusting, offensive, overpriced crap. Because I spend roughly 23.5 hours/day on the internet, I get exposed to nearly all of it. Here’s a small sample of junk products produced in varying degrees of horror that I’ve come across recently. I hope their creators are serving long prison sentences, but most likely, they’re rolling in wads of cash and laughing at all of us. Knobs.

An actual fart bag. Genius!

An actual fart bag. Genius!

Oh my. Oh my, oh my! Oh YAY! Now you don’t have to worry about your minor case of lactose intolerance! You don’t even have to skip Aunt Gertrude’s tasty three bean salad! The Subtle Butt Disposable Gas Neutralizer will absolve you of all offensive odors!  It’s actually billed as a fart protector, and I do believe that if the federal government got a hold of it, they could probably enhance the product into some kind of weapons defense system. Maybe someday in the future. Anyway. Beware, however! An actual review at drugstore. com warns that this elegantly named device “didnt work at all, even when I tried using multiple patches at once to cover a larger area. Its a good idea, but it doesnt work.” Let’s try not to envision the ‘larger area’ this dissatisfied customer was referring to, shall we? No. No, no. Moving right along.

Fake Baby. No, really, that's its name.

Fake Baby. No, really, that's its name.

Good Lord. I’m sympathetic to couples who can’t conceive and I understand that the desire to have children can often overwhelm people into doing incredibly stupid things, like kidnapping other people’s babies or owning poodles. Still, how creepy is this?! Right here in the UK, a very nice, not-at-all insane lady operates a website called Reborn Baby (reborn from what?!) and for a very reasonable £280 will bake you an actual baby doll to love and cherish and manipulate into some horrifying reality of simulated life. A recent interview in the London Times confirms that she is, in fact, a sound-minded, socially sensitive businesswoman, and not some twisted fruit whose actions are eerily reminiscent of SS operations in Auschwitz: ‘“I’ve cried when I’ve let a few of them go,” she admitted, [and] we watched her put a baking tray of rubber baby parts in the oven.’ Check it out: http://www.reborn-baby.com.

Russia's Finest

Russia's Finest

It’s February now, so if you’re like me, most of your New Year’s Resolutions are sitting in piles of rotting, putrid failure all around your home, the stench of your ineptitude wafting up like a charming mixture of rancid bacon, BO, and a sumo wrestler’s jockstrap. You loser. And speaking of sumo wrestlers, if you’re like most of America, one of your resolutions was to lose a little weight, especially after all of those holiday pig-out fests you indulged in, cramming your meaty face with your chestnuts roasted on an open fire and your visions of sugar plums and your figgy pudding and then washing it all down in gallons and gallons of syrupy wassail.  You big, fat loser. You disgust me.

Regardless! Losing all that extra blubber is a cinch now with the latest brilliant product to come out of Russia. Why engage in the all the hassle and expense of diet and exercise, especially when – given your track record – you’ll just emerge from the whole ordeal an even bigger, fatter loser than before?  Simply ingest a tapeworm egg or three and all of your obesity problems will disappear!  At the aptly named tapewormeggs.com, you can buy fresh eggs from one of the finest ‘Soviet prison camps‘ (I thought the Soviet Union didn’t exist anymore, but, hell, what do I know) and rest assured in the knowledge that the eggs were raised in ‘one liter slurry of human excrement.‘ As excited about this product and as eager as I am to have a 10 meter tapeworm living in my stomach, I must admit to being very slightly wary to take the plunge, because its producers state very abruptly NO RETURNS. That’s not very good customer service, is it? Hmmm. Still, I’ll give it a think over before I make a final decision.

Sleep well, tubby.

Sleep well, tubby.

If your supply of Russian tapeworms gets stopped at customs or somehow turns up dead on arrival (remember: NO RETURNS!) or you’re not a complete moron in the first place BUT you have rock-bottom self esteem and a boyfriend who affectionately nicknames you Lard Ass, then slab some FatGirlSleep all over yourself each night and dream away your crushing depression and dimpled cottage cheese thighs! Its product description on Amazon.com effusively declares that “FatGirlSleep not only helps you fight the good fight against cellulite overnight, but its also infused with a lavender scent, which has been shown to have a relaxing, aromatherapeutic effect.” The description finishes up with the unintentionally hilarious “Sweet Creams!” which I think would make a great porn name, although I’m willing to bet some quick-thinking, brilliant-minded adult entertainer has already snapped it up. Bugger. I was a little upset to read the one review for this product on Amazon which warned potential buyers that FatGirlSleep is ‘NOT a miracle worker! It smoothes the skin, doesn’t do crunches for you.’ Another hope crushed.

These products only scratch the gritty surface of the joyous items available for you to waste your money on, and I promise to continue adding to this little series of charming, consumer crap. I do so love capitalism.

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Comments

  1. * J. says:

    Whahaha! And so alluring.. ‘one liter slurry of human excrement.‘ Yumm, I’d tip those eggs over my salad any day.
    I’m gonna go have my fat girl sleep now.. who wants to rub me? 🙂

    Posted 8 years, 7 months ago
  2. * WeeklyShocks says:

    Lovely, isn’t it? Thanks for the comment – you reminded me that I’m due to contribute more upsetting products to the series. 🙂

    Posted 8 years, 7 months ago


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